Anxiety Be Gone

Tryin' to chill out on a rainy Sunday

2006-08-20T11:37:00.000-05:00

It's Sunday, and it's raining. I actually love rainy weekend days. They almost force me to relax and just be. I'm dong some work, still in my pajamas, sipping a cup of coffee (I've lost count today of how many I've had) and just enjoying myself. Yes, enjoying myself, even while doing work I have been putting off all summer. It's not hard work at all, but my procrastinating self of course put it off until now.

The gym is only open for a few hours today, and normally I would be over there for the entire time the place is open. Today, though, I might not make it. And I think I would be OK with that. That's a step in the right direction, I think. I really need to get this work done, and then maybe I will go and squeeze some physical activity into my day.

My stomach is still hurting, which is another reason I kind of don't want to go to the gym. Of course, all this coffee probably isn't helping the situation at all.

And now, to keep enjoying this lazy Sunday afternoon...

Oh, the pain!

2006-08-19T13:00:00.000-05:00

I tried to work out today but my stomach was hurting me so badly that I couldn't even pedal a bike or walk. I got home and lay down a bit but it took a while for the pain to subside. I think this is really a sign that the purging is affecting my body and my health...I knew it before, but now my body is screaming at me.

Welcome back, energy!

2006-08-18T16:29:00.000-05:00

My energy is back! Hooray! But with it my old friend, anxiety...and yes, I have purged since being off my medication. Yesterday and today. Not a good sign. But I am thrilled that I am able to wake up early again and enjoy the day, and not be exhausted after the slightest bit of activity. Things are looking up!

And I know how awful it is for my health to purge my food. I just can't seem to stop.

I guess I am a quitter

2006-08-17T08:37:00.000-05:00

I've decided to quit taking this anxiety medication after only five days. I hate the side effects, and when the side effects are worse than the actual ailment I think quitting the medication is the best choice. So last night I missed my dose, and I am waiting to feel the withdrawal symptoms - even after being on this medication for a few days I hear that the withdrawal process can be quite awful. I'm hoping it's not much more than a slight headache or something, because I would really like my old self back, anxious energy and all.

The medication did help with my anxiety, but only because it made me absolutely numb to everything. I just didn't have the energy to react to anything, so I couldn't be my high-strung normal self. I noticed that I "coasted through" some situations that may have made me anxious without this medicine, and I didn't once have the urge to throw up my food. All positive things, to be sure. But the debilitating exhaustion added to the insomnia, added to the non-stop hunger, was just too much. I really think that for me, at least, the best idea would probably be to go to therapy on a regular basis, but being abroad may make that difficult.

I knew before going into this "experiment" that I hated prescription medication, because I have always had weird side effects when I've taken something (this is also something that runs in my family, apparently) but I was willing to try something out since my parents insisted that I really had a problem and sometimes medication does work for problems like mine. So what have I learned after all this? I still hate prescription medication (even more than before) and I will never again be pressured into asking my doctor to prescribe medication for me when I don't really feel I need it. Some good lessons to learn, I think.

And now insomnia?

2006-08-16T01:27:00.000-05:00

The latest side effect of this medication I've started taking is insomnia. Coupled with the debilitating exhaustion I've been having since starting the medication, I'm not feeling so hot right now. This definitely isn't helping my anxiety problem, since not being able to sleep enough is my #1 source of anxiety. Ironic, eh?

I thnk I may have to talk to my doctor about going off of this medication. I hear that side effects usually go away after a couple of weeks, but if I feel like a zombie for those weeks then I would rather just suffer from anxiety. And another side effect happens to be that I am ravenous all the time. And mostly for bread.

I'm a little worried because I've read that when you go off this medication (even from the low doses I've been taking) you can experience some major withdrawal symptoms, but I think I'm ready to take that risk. I want my energy back!

To Do List

2006-08-15T15:05:00.000-05:00

My workout this afternoon wasn't quite the three hours I wanted it to be, but it was a good two hour session, and so don't feel as lazy as before. But then I still came home and ate a ton...mostly because I sat myself in front of the TV. My room is so far away from the kitchen that if I spend time there I know I won't make as many trips to the fridge, but the fatigue almost keeps me from even going up the stairs after I get back from a workout. I still want to fit in at least one more hour of actvity today, to get myself up to 3 hours.

I leave in less than two weeks, and I still have a ton of stuff to do, but keep putting it off. Even the smallest things, that should be somewhat fun, like buying wedding gifts for friends. Or clothes shopping. Although the clothes shopping I also want to avoid because I don't want to admit to myself how much weight I have really gained. My pants are starting to fit again, which is good, but I really don't want to spend any money on clothes that are larger than the clothes I already own. At least that is saving me money.

And no, the other day I did not end up cleaning my room. It is still a disaster. And I need to organize everything that I am taking with me to Europe, and what stuff I will need to store, and make a list of all of the essentials I need to get before I leave...the preparation to travel is so time consuming (for me anyway) and I wish I could be one of those people who just throws everything in a suitcase and goes...but alas, I don't even think this medication will cure that.

How does the day pass so quickly??? And it goes by even faster now that I find it more and more difficult to wake up early. Waking up at 7:30 is really different than waking up at 6...but I just cannot wake up that early since starting this medication! It is beginning to frustrate me, but I am hoping that taking it earlier in the evening (I usually take it right before bed) will cause me to be less drowsy the next day.

And now, onto accomplish something (anything!)...

Still tired...

2006-08-15T06:21:00.000-05:00

I am still exhausted, and this is beginning to worry me. But I think the medication is having a positive effect on my ability to "coast through" anxiety-producing situations. I spent all day yesterday having fun, and anxious thoughts were few and far between. So maybe this stuff is worth it...

Today I plan to start a colon-cleansing program that I read about, and maybe that will end up giving me some more energy. And I am heading back to the gym today for at least three hours (I took yesterday off completely - the first day I've done that in a month!). We'll see how it goes.

Not enthused

2006-08-13T14:39:00.000-05:00

I am really not digging this lethargy I've been sporting the past couple of days. This may be due to the medication...but may be due to something else? Though I don't know what. Once again my time at the gym was less than productive because I was dragging so much. Taking this medication is going to be problematic if I don't even have the energy to work out on a daily basis.

On another note, I haven't yet felt the desire to purge today. Yesterday my teeth started hurting, and I knew that purging any more would just make them feel worse. So after lunch today, even though I thought I ate a little too much, I didn't even want to throw any of it up. Maybe I can overcome this...

Tonight is dinner with my friend who cancelled on me yesterday. I am looking forward to it, and I am going to maybe get some work done, or at least clean my room, before I head out. I am also hoping to get to bed earlier tonight - maybe that will help with the fatigue problem.

Happy-go-lucky

2006-08-13T10:34:00.000-05:00

People (read: my family) tell me that I was a happy-go-lucky kid, always smiling and laughing. When I got older I think people just expected that of me, so to the outside world I really tried to keep on conveying that image, while at home I would vent my frustrations. This continued all through high school, and pretty much ended in college with my unhappy experience. I no longer put in so much effort to exude the image of this super-friendly, happy-go-lucky person. I became much more picky about choosing my friends, and I wasn't so eager to join in on every social outing possible. College was probably when I first started realizing how stressful social situations can be. The preparations, the uncertain effects they have on my aforementioned important schedule...they all come together to make socializing sometimes unbearable. Often if a friend calls and suggests a spur-of-the-moment activity I decline, not becuase I don't have time or don't want to spend time with that friend, but because I know I will have to rearrange my day, which stresses me out. But I know I always have a good time when I go out - I love being around people and talking to them, but it's the mental preparation that is necessary for such interaction that usually bars me from going out into the real world. Alone I can do what I want to do, when I want to do it, I can set up a schedule or a structure and adhere to it. Outside...who knows what can happen.

But like I said, I do know how muhc fun I had when I was happy-go-lucky, or at least made an attempt to seem that way. I know I am happier when I am around people and when I have a a "full" social calendar (or at least the option to have one). So I am really going to make the most of my time aroudn people. I'm going to try not to decline invitations just because I'll have to rearrange my day. And if things don't go as planned, I'm going to try and put things in perspective so I don't react badly.

I'm starting today - a friend of mine cancelled our dinner plans last night, which normally would have made me unbearably anxious, so that when he rescheduled I would have normally declined for fear of it happening again. Maybe this is a sign that the medication is working, or maybe that I'm just getting better at putting things in perspective, but I rescheduled the dinner plans for tonight. I'm hoping he doesn't cancel again, but if he does I'm going to try not to overreact.

Spain, again

2006-08-13T08:00:00.000-05:00

In a couple weeks I leave for Spain, where I will be teaching for the coming year. I'm very much excited about the opportunity, but the stress of moving out of the country is of course just another source of anxiety for me. The mere thought of packing all that I'll need for this year makes my head spin (it takes me hours to pack for just a weekend trip to a friend's house) since I like to be prepared. When I was a kid I used to have an "emergency pack" stowed under my bed, with a flashlight, extra clothes, and other essentials, in case of an earthquake or a hurricane hit. So packing itself is always a tedious affair, and I know that I make it that way. Then there are all the things I need to have in order before I leave, like bill payments and other correspondence arrangements, and the contact information for all the people I want/need to stay in touch with while I am abroad.

I don't foresee much trouble adjusting to life in Spain, since I've lived there before, I have friends there, and I enjoy it very much, but I am sure that the experience will supply its fair share of challenging situations, and I'm hoping I'm up for it. After the last time I lived in Spain I noticed a remarkable difference in myself: living among a people that really don't fret too much about time restraints or schedules (although this generalization is becoming less and less true) was great for me and it helped me not be so uptight about things. I know that my year in Spain before really helped me grow as a person, and I am posiitve that this year will be just as formative to my personality.

I'm looking forward to it.

Exhaustion

2006-08-13T07:48:00.000-05:00

I just started medication to help with my anxiety troubles, and I am already experiencing some negative side effects. I'm extremely tired when I get up in the morning (it's almost like a hangover, like I've been hit by a truck) when I normally can get up at 6 am with no problem at all. Yesterday I tried to work out at the gym and I had to leave much earlier than I had originally planned because my stomach hurt so badly and I was feeling fatigued. But that may have been caused by something I ate, or something else. I'm hoping the medication will help a little bit with the tension that I am constantly experiencing, which I believe is one of the factors contributing to my tendency to overeat.

I've never been a big fan of taking any kind of medication, as I hate thinking that I need to take some kind of chemical just to feel normal on a daily basis. A couple years back my doctor prescribed sleeping pills for me, after having struggled with insomnia since late childhood. They did the trick: I was knocked out right after taking the pills, and I always slept for 7 hours afterwards. But I couldn't sleep without them, and that scared the hell out of me. I hate the idea of being dependent on something (and yet all my life I have been dependent on food...) so I just stopped filling my prescription. Becoming addicted to anything is a great fear of mine, since addictive behaviors run in my family: alcoholism, drug dependencies, etc. I'm very much aware that addiction is something to which I am extremely vulnerable, and I try to stay away from too much alcohol adn relying on medications. But, like I said, food is the real addiction for me. Last night I tried very hard not to binge, since it usually happens at night, and I only succeeded half-way. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, but I wasn't really hungry and so didn't really need to be eating anything, much less the things I was eating. It's frustrating because for short periods in the past I have been able to exhibit some self control when it comes to eating, but in the past couple months that willpower has gone down the drain, and I don't know how to recover it.

On a positive note, it is an absolutely gorgeous day today, and I'm hoping to enjoy it, even if I am feeling pretty tired. I'll still try to make it to the gym, since if I don't I know I will just feel incredibly guilty, and maybe try to do my other, home, workout as well, as it's been a few days since I've done that.

Family History

2006-08-12T14:20:00.000-05:00

My family has a strong history of anxiety disorders, ranging from social anxiety to OCD to agoraphobia. My anxiety is mostly related to an obsession with control, and one of the manifestations of this obsession is my tendency to be very uptight about time.

I am very selfish with my time. I create schedules for myself, and they may not be "official" or even written down, but when I wake up in the morning I think of the things I want to accomplish in a day and the time I want ot devote to them, and if something gets in the way of my plan I sometimes fly off the handle.

I hate waiting. If I'm meeting someone at 8 pm, I start panicking by 8:01 if they haven't arrived. My family is perpetually late, and I should know that when they say they're leaving at 6 they really mean 7, but I am always ready and waiting by 6. It doesn't matter if I have nothing better I could be doing, I just hate the concept of waiting.

When I get into my schedule of working out for three hours a day, if something happens and I can't devote that time to my workout instead of just working out for a shorter amount of time I get extremely agitated, and I will likely not exercise at all. Exercise regimens have always been all-or-nothing with me. Which is probably why I can never stick to the same one for an extended period of time.

Recently I had an "episode" with my parents, where I just flipped out on them. Something interfered with a previously planned schedule, and I broke down into a hysterical crying fit. This prompted them to explain to me the long history my family has with various problems with anxiety, and encouraged me to go get help. So I went back to my doctor, with whom I had talked about my problems with anxiety, and I am now on some medication that I am supposed to take every day. I'll keep track of my progress here, along with exploring my own history for any clues as to how to best deal with my anxiety.

Hello my name is...

2006-08-12T13:32:00.000-05:00

And I'm addicted to food. What started this whole dive into working on my mental health was when a couple months ago I started to throw up after my quite-common food binges. I've always been a big eater - I remember being seven years old and having a friend come over for dinner, and when I served myself a second plate of spaghetti my friend said "If you eat that, you're going to get fat." My mother told her that this was not true, and even at that young age I could tell my mother was appalled at this statement coming from such a young girl. Well, that was probably the first time I realized that I ate more than other people apparently did. I was always a very active child; I played soccer and danced and loved playing outside with my siblings and my neighbors. We used to rollerskate up and down the block and ride our bikes all afternoon in the summer. Being so active, and having really awesome parents who were very supportive and loving kept me from becoming trapped by ideas of dieting and impossible ideals of skinniness. For a while.

I don't remember when it was exactly when I first started feeling really negative about my body image, but I did used to keep journals for a while in middle and high school, and when I look back at them I am always surprised at how I would say I needed to lose weight at age 12 or 13. "If I were skinny, then I would be happy." Is it really possible that I've felt this way for a decade and not realized how much of a problem it is? I was never a skinny kid, but I was never fat either. I always had noticeably larger legs than any of my friends...probably attributed to soccer, but even now that I haven't played the game for some time they are still (to me) disproportionately large. In high school I was pretty popular - I always had a lot of friends, plenty of boyfriends, did well in school, and was generally leading a content life. But the anxiety that has come to a head now was lurking somewhere beneath the popular exterior...and reading through my old journals really sheds light on that.

Since I was an active kid my weight was never a problem. As I've said, my parents are pretty awesome, and I don't remember them once ever saying anything negative about me when I was growing up. I'm thankful for that, and grateful to have them as parents. But parents aren't the only ones who have an effect on a child's body image, and sometimes I wish people were aware of that and the influence you can have on impressionable young minds. I grew up next to a family with whom I am still very close, and my best friend's mother eventually became like a second mother to me. Now, if my mother was totally comfortable in her body and made sure to enforce positive body images to my siblings and I, my friend's mother was the total opposite. I always remember her on some kind of diet, always talking about how much she weighed. She would put pictures of skinny models on the refrigerator door so she wouldn't be tempted to snack. She works out vigorously, and is on her daughters' case about their bodies. They were both extremely skinny growing up, and one is still (a little too much so, in my opinion) skinny, and the mother goes on and on about how she wished she looked like her. The other one is still thin, but she's put on some weight in the past couple years and actually has a womanly figure now. Her mother is on her case all the time about her weight.

And yes, even though I am not her own child that doesn't stop her from commenting on my weight. At the end of high school (after I quit soccer) and in college I gained about a total of 35-40 pounds, and this weight gain was distressing, not only to me, but apparently to my friend's mother. My own mother never mentioned it. If I wanted to talk about it she was more than willing to, and was always supportive of my weight loss endeavors (but always warned me to be safe), but she never told me I needed to go on a diet. As for my friend's mother, my weight gain was always a topic of conversation. I would try to brush it off, especially since my family and my other friends never mentioned it, but I have to say that a lot of what she said stuck with me. It still sticks with me. Everytime I am going to go visit them I fret about how I look - if I have lost weight I hope that they notice, and if I have gained weight I hope that that don't.

Growing up, and even in college (for the most part) I never complained about my weight. I was never that girl that went on and on about how "fat" she was, when really you could see her ribcage. I obsessed about my weight and about food silently. Possibly the only person who really knows the extent to which I obsess over these things is my ex-boyfriend, and I hated having him know that about me. And he didn't even know the half of it. I always thought it was annoying when girls complained about how fat they were, and when it happened a lot it just became monotonous. So I kept it all to myself, and fretted about what I was going to eat, and when, and how much of it I was going to eat. When I quit playing soccer regularly, and started worrying about schoolwork more and going to college, I quickly put on about 15 pounds. Then in the first semester of college I gained about 20-25 more. I would eat and eat and eat, and eat some more with friends, and then work out (there was a time when I was working out three times a day), but all the exercise couldn't make up for the fact that I was eating so many calories a day. With all my extra weight I felt incredibly bad about myself, and I was also not having a good time in school. To be honest, I hated it. I found it difficult to make friends (although I did make a handful of great friends who I am still close to) and I wasn't doing as well in school as I was accustomed. I found comfort in food. It was always there, and in such tasty abundance! I would steal food from my roommate, eat two dinners, eat enough breakfast for 4 people. And that was just by myself. With my friends it was even worse, because as two of them were recovering from eating disorders themselves, we constantly talked about food. We always talked about it, and ate it, and then we always told each other how wonderful and beautiful we were, and it didn't matter how eating all that food would affect us. Little did I know that it would affect me, and it would also indirectly affect our friendship.

Years after starting college, I am down to a pretty comfortable weight, numbers-wise, but I am immensely unhappy. I lost 25 pounds during my last year in college, and then another 10 two years later, and then another 10 this past year. Earlier this year was the lowest I'd weighed since high school, and I was thrilled. Then I put on five pounds, out of no where, and then another 10, so I'm back at the weight I was when I entered college. I am very disappointed with the way I have "let myself go", and so I have tried to remedy the situation during the past couple months. I've lost a couple pounds, maybe, but not enough...and I know why it is. I work out 3 hours a day (at least) but I am constantly overeating. And then I tried purging. I hate it, but I do it once a day almost every day now. And I am hoping that talking about why I overeat will maybe stop me from feeling the need to always overeat, and stopping this road to bulimia. I know that my underlying anxiety is connected to these obsessions I have with food and weight, and hopefully by exploring these connections I can achieve some level of personal happiness.

Wish me luck.

Introduction

2006-08-12T13:22:00.000-05:00

I'm a twenty-something student suffering from Generalized Anxiety Disorder. While I have known for a long time that my reactions to ordinary life situations often bordered on out-of-control, I have just recently started seeking help for my problem, starting with my doctor. I have also had some kind of eating disorder since adolescence - never any kind of obvious eating disorder, but looking back on my relationship with food and weight throughout the years I can see that my obsessions are indicative of serious problems. As I was reading some information on recovery from eating disorders, I read that it can be quite helpful and therapeutic to document the recovery process, either in a private journal or a more public forum, like a blog. So here I am - I've tried the blogging thing before, but I didn't stick with it because I couldn't write about the stuff I really wanted to, since my friends were the only ones who read the blog. I'd rather this be anonymous, so I can speak freely about what I am going through. Hopefully anyone out there who has gone through/is going through anything like this will help me out and leave comments along the way...